Thursday, 12 August 2010

ANTS!!!


ANTS!!!

Evenings were an oasis of creativity in the empty desert of labour. I’ve always dedicated evenings to working upon my own material, ever since I was 12 and writing a play about a twelve-year old boy kissing the sexiest girl in his school year (Sarah Stones). This play was never produced, but Sarah Stones told me that it was ‘sweet’ and allowed me a kiss of her cheek. Evenings didn’t feature Macbeth rehearsals. I was told the justification, but now forget. It was probably something to do with poetry readings and that.

This particular evening, mind, I was forced to abandon my writing to fight ants. To keep my artistic oar in, you see, I planned continued work on my astounding script. Vague Blizzard was four years in writing. I would not see it as complete until I was happy that every word was the bestest word that could be used in whatever particular sentence context it was to be used in.

Then came the ants …

Reader, it was an almighty struggle and there were losses on both sides. It was a little after 1115 that I discovered their anty presence and dropped an old Sunday Times (style section first) on my right foot in alarm. The nail of my big toe instantly turned an aggressive shade of purple.

Such pain, of course, was of little concern to me. I had ANTS with which to do battle. Boiling water damaged the kitchen's floor and seemed quick to escape down the crack between fridge and wall. It was, however, most effective in slaughtering the anty buggers.

Vodka was least effective.

I also constructed a rudimentary flame-thrower with a lighter and bottle of deodorant. It didn't kill too many ants, but it sure did intimidate them (you should have seen them tremble on their stupid ant legs). And the kitchen smelt less of old onions.

Ants: I hate them.

Crawling into bed, I didn’t believe that the lightweight barrier of frozen chips would prevent them (ants) from crawling in from the (other) crack in the wall under the window. I knew also that, although there was an inexhaustible supply of water with which to kill them, I couldn’t live with a permanently wet kitchen (I also suspected that the water was seeping into the downstairs flat). There was electricity and stuff. No, the devious bastards.

I decided to visit the Dark Shop in the Arcade and buy WEAPONS OF ANT DESTRUCTION (upon the next occasion of leaving the flat).

‘Ants’, I thought as I pulled He-Man duvet to face. Before submitting to the waves of exhaustion, I scribbled into my bedside notebook:

An idea – Vague Blizzard could feature ants. Perhaps in a symbolic fashion. They could represent Susan’s (the protagonist’s girlfriend) internalised anger at Pete’s (his girlfriend's) late-blossoming homosexuality? The ants could be gouging upon the carcass of a huge dog. Obviously, it being a stage play, the ants wouldn't actually exist per se, but be referred to in snatches of dialogue. eg - "Those ants, Pete. Look at them swarm upon our poor dog."

18 comments:

Lauren. said...

Very humerous I have to say :) I liked the way you wrote it as if putting it into a story.

Kay Richardson said...

Hey Lauren. Thanks. And thanks too for reading it!

Jen said...

I loved this, very well done, I'm with Lauren, loved the way you wrote it!

I can't believe I read it since ants give me the heebie jeebies :)

Thanks for visiting my blog!!

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

I love your voice, and the telling of this story had me hooked from beginning to end. I hate ants so much I have a pest control company on permanent retainer. It's worth the money. They could double their fees and I'd still pay.

Welcome to the blogosphere. You have a great space here. I look forward to reading more of what you have to say.

Kay Richardson said...

Jen. It was my pleasure to visit your blog. And thanks for your lovely words! Thanks for reading.

Nicole, I oughta get me some pest control action. An ant was swimming in my lunchtime pot of tea. Thanks for complimenting my space. Yours is wicked too!

Krystal said...

i had a 4 hour epic battle with ants in my car, worst. day. ever

Kay Richardson said...

Blimey, Krystal. That sounds terrible. I hope you're OK now.

Susan Fields said...

I hate ants, too. Several years ago, I had a bag of bulk trail mix from the grocery store. It was sitting on my kitchen counter and I was eating it by the handful. Until I noticed it was crawling with tons of tiny brown ants. I'm sure I ate my fair share of ants that day. I've had a pest control company come out to do quarterly treatments ever since.

Kay Richardson said...

Yuksters. I'd not like to eat ants. Unless it gave me a superpower like being able to carry stuff. I'd eat them in that case. Thanks for stopping by, Susan!

Cara Gray said...

How F'ing cute is that dog, lol

Mad Jack said...

...constructed a rudimentary flame-thrower with a lighter and bottle of deodorant.

Are you nuts?

Here, try one of these remedies.

Indoor Ant Control
Supplies: 1 tbsp. boric acid
1 tbsp. mint jelly or peanut butter
1 cracker
Small cardboard box
Instructions: Mix the boric acid and mint jelly; spread mixture on a cracker. Punch pinholes in a cardboard box; place cracker inside. Place box in an area where ants cause problems, but away from children and pets.
Note: The mint jelly or peanut butter lures the ants in and the boric acid kills them.

Indoor and Outdoor Ant Control
Supplies: Diatomaceous earth
Instructions: Dust food-grade diatomaceous earth along the ant’s pathways.
Note: The white powder will cut through their exoskeleton and they will dehydrate and die.

Home made flamethrower? Why not just buy and extra flat or two of shotgun shells and lay waste to everything in sight?

Good job on not giving up your seat to Macbeth, by the way. I'd wouldn't have moved either.

Kay Richardson said...

Mad Jack, as a dog your advice is well learnt, I imagine. Thanks for the comment - but, surely, burning the anty bastards is far more satsifying than laying down some weak-ass poison?

Valerie said...

You're a great writer, I loved this! And that picture is adorable.

Valerie

Jacqui said...

Little columns of ants that march on and on and on. I suppose I was an ant in another life. Maybe I still am.

Kay Richardson said...

Valerie & Jacqui, I love you both. Thanks for reading. (Actually, maybe I love Val a little more as she said I was a great writer whilst Jacqui was just generally philosophical).

Dolirotica said...

Whao this is really nice, im ntt much of a reader but i took my time to read this im happy i did, the ants very humerous. i liked it. hi richardson.

Anonymous said...

I find myself having similar battles with centipedes, and spiders. I strongly believe that any creature with more than 4 legs deserves to die if it enters my living area! I have found that Lysol and swifter mops are my best friend fighting these nasty creatures. The Lysol stops them in their little nasty tracks, at times even kills them.:) Then I swoop in with my swifter mop and finish them off! Little bastards! P.S. Please don't eat anymore poison!

Heather said...

I find myself having similar battles with centipedes, and spiders. I strongly believe that any creature with more than 4 legs deserves to die if it enters my living area! I have found that Lysol and swifter mops are my best friend fighting these nasty creatures. The Lysol stops them in their little nasty tracks, at times even kills them.:) Then I swoop in with my swifter mop and finish them off! Little bastards! P.S. Please don't eat anymore poison!