SCENE 1. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY 1 [10.00]
HENRY LIES ON HIS LIVING ROOM SOFA. HIS SPEECH STARTS WITH A CLOSE SHOT OF HIS FACE AND WE MIGHT IMAGINE HE IS ON A PSYCHIATRIST’S COUCH. AS THE SPEECH CONTINUES, WE DRAW OUT TO SEE HE LIES ON A TATTY, LONG SOFA. HE IS A MAN WHO COULD BE EITHER SIDE OF THIRTY. HE WEARS CLOTHES THAT ARE ALMOST TRENDY. HIS GLASSES, THICK-RIMMED, CONSTANTLY SLIDE DOWN HIS NOSE. HE SMILES LOTS. WE LIKE HIM, DESPITE HIS SLIGHT PRETENTIOUSNESS.
HENRY:
Of all the girls with whom I’ve fallen in love, not one has lacked a big nose. Even those for whom my feelings were only fleeting, each and every one possessed huge noses. I’m not normal. I am a pervert. A nose pervert. I love the noses. I remember once meeting a girl, through work, I might have told you about her and her name was Sonia. Stop panting. She was beautiful. Sweet Sonia. Great fun. She once unscrewed the top of all the saltshakers in the canteen. How we laughed over our salty green leaf salads. And she liked me. I mean, really liked me. She was beautiful, model quality. Not catwalk model but cider advert type. Happy in a pub. She asked me out. And we dated and, you know. But I knew nothing would come of us. Why? Guess, Shaggy. Hers was a pretty nose, a cute nose. An artful thing. And we split up and when I told her the reason, because her nose was too pretty, it was because I wanted to be honest because, really, the reason was flattering. She was really pissed off, more than you’d think. Is it Freudian? Does my mother have a big nose? You’re drawling. I knows it’s not as simple as that, but Mum’s nose is ordinary. It’s neither pretty nor ugly. I had no traumatic experiences with noses when I was young. I can’t think of any past incident to forever link sex with noses. I’m strange. I’m ill. And if I see a pretty girl with a huge nose, I’m putty in her hands, her wish is my command, I do as she wills. I act strangely, Shaggy.
THE CAMERA HAS PULLED BACK SO FAR THAT WE SEE HE IS TALKING TO SHAGGY, HIS DOG. SHAGGY SITS IN AN ARMCHAIR, LOOKING NONPLUSSED.
Why am I telling you this? You’re only after one thing. You don’t listen because you care. You listen because you must. You dog. As hounds and greyhounds, mongrels, spaniels, curs, shoughs, water-rugs and demi-wolves, are clept all by the name of dogs.
SHAGGY SPEAKS WITH AN EXTREMELY RICH, UPPER CLASS VOICE, PERFECT FOR 1950S SHAKESPEARE. HE MAY NOT BE AN ACTUAL DOG AND MIGHT BE PLAYED BY AN ACTOR WHO LOOKS LIKE A DOG.
SHAGGY:(V.O.)
Henry Rowbottom, my master, an out of work actor, and a bastard. He needed help. I needed a walk. I needed feeding too.
WE HEAR THE DOORBELL. HENRY PULLS HIMSELF FROM THE SOFA AND LEAVES THE ROOM. STILL FOCUSING ON THE MOTIONLESS DOG, WE HEAR HENRY’S OFFSTAGE EXCHANGE WITH THE PIZZA DELIVERYMAN.
PIZZAMAN: (O.O.V.)
Henry! Little early for pizza, mate.
HENRY: (O.O.V.)
What time is it?
PIZZAMAN: (O.O.V.)
Half ten and you’re gonna get fat. You should run. I run. Running’s good. Run in the mornings. Out in the streets. Got some good streets around here. Long streets. Good for running and mopeds. Long streets and little pedestrians. Good for running. Got to get some running. That’s what London’s about. The streets. The long streets and little pedestrians. Good for running. You’ve got to buy the right footwear, mind. You’ve got to have quality footwear. Look at these. Ninety quid, they cost. They are my moped shoes.
HENRY: (O.O.V.)
Thanks for the advice. Nice shoes. Keep the change.
PIZZAMAN: (O.O.V.)
Twenty pence?
SOUND OF DOOR CLOSING. HENRY REAPPEARS IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH TWO PIZZA BOXES. HE OPENS ONE TO CHECK ITS CONTENTS.
HENRY:
Meat Feast. That’s yours. Do you want a plate? A beer?
CUT TO:
SCENE 2. EXT. URBAN PARK – DAY 1 [11.00]
HENRY, SHAGGY AND GIRL SIT TIGHTLY ON A PARK BENCH. HENRY READS FROM A COLLECTION OF PLAYS. HE WEARS JOGGING CLOTHES, A SWEATBAND, TRAINERS. HIS MOUTH IS STAINED BY PIZZA SAUCE. GIRL IS UNSURE WHETHER TO TALK. SHE NERVOUSLY EYES HIS STAINED MOUTH. SHE’S EXTREMELY PRETTY, A MODEL.
GIRL:
You know you’ve got sauce around your mouth?
HENRY DOESN’T RESPOND. NOT BECAUSE HE’S RUDE BUT BECAUSE HE’S SO ENGROSSED IN THE PLAY.
GIRL:
Excuse me?
HENRY DOESN’T RESPOND.
SHAGGY: (V.O.)
There comes a time in every dog’s life where he must bark not for himself but for his master.
SHAGGY, AFTER SOME TIME, BARKS. HENRY JUMPS, ALMOST DROPPING HIS BOOK. SHAGGY NOW LOOKS AT GIRL, SO HENRY FOLLOWS HIS GAZE AND SMILES WITH SUDDEN EMBARRASSMENT AT THE ATTRACTIVE NEIGHBOUR.
GIRL:
Hi.
WE ZOOM IN SLOWLY TOWARDS HER PRETTY NOSE. HENRY CONTORTS HIS FACE IN DISGUST, SHAKING HIS HEAD.
HENRY:
Hello.
GIRL:
You’ve got something around your mouth. Is it blood? Are you a vampire like Robert Pattinson?
HENRY LICKS IT OFF.
HENRY:
Pizza sauce.
SHAGGY: (V.O.)
My master is never comfortable in the presence of women, big-nosed or not.
GIRL:
You have a very well behaved dog. I only wish my Buster was as … stoic. That’s a good word, isn’t it? Stoic. He must be extremely well bred. Stoic.
HENRY:
Buster’s your dog?
GIRL:
Ha! Yes. Look! There he is.
GIRL POINTS. AHEAD OF THE BENCH, IN THE DIRECTION THE CHARACTERS HAVE BEEN FACING, IS A FOOTBALL FIELD OF MAD DOGS – ALL BREEDS AND SIZES AND COLOURS. THEY RUN AROUND IN A MAD FURY, BARKING AND YAPPING AND RUSHING THROUGH DOG LIFE. THIS COULD BE STOCK FOOTAGE – VERY OBVIOUSLY NOT CLOSE TO THE BENCH.
GIRL:
He’s the white one. Do you see? He’s frolicking. He loves to frolic. But don’t we all?
HENRY:
That sure ain’t frolicking, lady.
GIRL:
I like you. Do you want my phone number?
HENRY:
Your phone number?
GIRL:
Yes.
HENRY:
Yes.
WE SEE A VERY STYLISED REPRESENTATION OF HENRY’S IMAGINATION PLAY OUT: THE GIRL LEANS OVER TO KISS HIM, BUT HE IS FOCUSED ON HER NOSE. TERROR. FROM HIS POV THE NOSE APPROACHES AND HE RECOILS, SHOUTING. SNAPPING BACK TO REALITY, HE SITS WITH HIS FACE CONTORTED IN DISGUST.
GIRL:
Aren’t you going to note it down? Do you have a telephone on which to store it? The digits. Numero telephono.
HENRY:
I don’t own a phone.
GIRL:
Not at all? How will you call me?
HENRY SHRUGS.
GIRL:
It’s 07971234563.
HENRY:
OK.
GIRL:
You’ve got that?
HENRY:
Yep.
GIRL:
Holler it back.
HENRY:
0 …
HE CAN REMEMBER NO MORE.
CUT TO:
SCENE 3. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY 2 [10.00]
HENRY LIES IN HIS CONFESSIONAL POSITION ALONG THE LENGTH OF THE SOFA. SHAGGY SITS IN THE ARMCHAIR, LISTENING.
HENRY:
Did you hear how she described her job? ‘An erotic ballerina’, she said. I don’t know what an erotic ballerina is but it sounds … erotic. Did you hear that, Shaggy? Did you hear the woman say that? ‘An erotic ballerina’. It is a girlfriend job about which you boast to friends down the pub over a game of pool. And plenty of beer. Lads. The lads. Going down the pub to watch the footy. Have you any cocaine? Nah, mate. I bet she’s able to cross her legs over her head and back again and scratching her own back with her toes and all sorts. Imagine sharing a bath with her. Imagine the loafer possibilities. The loafer possibilities. It sounds like the name of band, that’s how good it sounds. The lads. Alright, mate?
SHAGGY: (V.O.)
Henry had no friends with whom to go to the pub. And I didn’t hear the girl use the phrase ‘erotic ballerina’. I did hear her call my master ‘a knobhead’ and I did see her slap my master around the chops. I did see her storm from the bench as fast as her killy stilettos allowed.
HENRY:
The friends at the pub. Bob, Casper and Tony. Those would be their names. And they’d disown me; call me ridiculous, a gaylord perhaps. But the broad’s nose. Did you see it? Exquisite. Hollywood doctors could use it in cosmetic surgery catalogues. Not for me. She was cavalier about her dog too, letting it run about like that. Dogs catch diseases from other dogs. Or is that children? Dog shit? What is it? Dogs catch diseases from men when they sneezes? Is that a saying?
SHAGGY: (V.O.)
A King Charles’ Spaniel. That would explain the woman’s cavalier attitude.
HENRY:
No, Henry. It was good for someone to be friendly. That’s a start. Speaking to people is good. Al Pacino. I recognise that. Robert De Niro. Acting is social. Social interplay. The ladies. Lads!
SHAGGY SITS WITH A LEASH BETWEEN HIS TEETH. THE DOORBELL SOUNDS.
HENRY:
For walks, you’ll have to wait, my friend, for that is the sound of newly delivered pizza.
CUT TO:
SCENE 3. EXT. URBAN PARK – DAY 2 [11.00]
WE FOLLOW HENRY AND SHAGGY AS THEY ARPPROACH THE CHAINLINK GATE ENTRANCE TO THE PARK. IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING FROM THE BRONX. PERHAPS IT COULD BE – STOCK FOOTAGE AGAIN. HENRY IS LISTENING TO LATE ERA ROXY MUSIC ON HIS IPHONE. THE SOUND BLEEDS FROM HIS THICK HEADPHONES. HE SINGS ALONG IN A VOICE VERY SLIGHTLY OFF KEY. WHEN MAN AND DOG REACH THE GATE, THEY PAUSE.
WE SEE THE FOOTAGE OF MANY HUNDREDS OF DOGS RUNNING ABOUT AND HENRY LOOKS DOWN TO SHAGGY. PATTING THE DOG’S HEAD, HE TURNS TO WALK FROM THE GATE.
HENRY:
How about we try another route today, Captain?
SHAGGY IS ALREADY WALKING AHEAD.
CUT TO:
SCENE 4 EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD – DAY 2 [11.20]
HENRY WALKS SHAGGY ALONG A SUBURBAN ROAD, LINED WITH CARS AND HOUSES. HE CONTINUES TO SING TO BRYAN FERRY. A VINEGAR-CHEEKED WOMAN PASSES AND SHAKES HER HEAD IN DISDAIN. HENRY IS OBLIVIOUS. HE’S ONLY REALLY HAPPY WHEN LISTENING TO ROXY MUSIC. HE MAY PASS FURTHER UNHAPPY PEOPLE. UPHEAD, SHAGGY HAS STOPPED. HENRY TROTS TO CATCH UP.
HENRY:
What is it, boy? What’s got you spooked?
HENRY FOLLOWS THE DOG’S EYES UP TO THE FIRST FLOOR WINDOW OF A NEARBY HOUSE.
SHAGGY: (V.O.)
If only I’d not stopped. If only I’d walked on. A lamppost, a distant bottom to sniff. If only … but I knew what I had spotted would surely break, or make, my young master’s heart.
THERE IN THE WINDOW OF THE FIRST FLOOR IS A WOMAN. THIS IS JERRY. FINALLY, HENRY SPOTS HER. SHE’S WEARING A TSHIRT WITH A HUGE PINK HEART. IT’S SYMBOLIC.
HENRY:
Oh my days.
WE FOCUS ON HER NOSE. IT’S MASSIVE.
SHAGGY: (V.O.)
Note well - she had a very big nose.
CUT TO:
SCENE 5. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY 2 [16.00]
HENRY LIES ON HIS SOFA. SHAGGY WATCHES ON.
HENRY:
And her nose and that t-shirt and the …
SHAGGY: (V.O.)
When he wasn’t talking of her, he was walking me past her house.
CUT TO:
SCENE 6 EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD – DAY 3 [11.20]
HENRY WALKS PAST THE HOUSE WITH A RAISED EYEBROW. JERRY STANDS FROZEN AT THE WINDOW.
CUT TO:
SCENE 7 EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD – DAY 4 [11.20]
IT IS HEAVY RAIN. HENRY WALKS PAST THE HOUSE WITH A RAISED EYEBROW AND A SMILE. JERRY STANDS FROZEN AT THE WINDOW.
CUT TO:
SCENE 8 EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD – DAY 5 [11.20]
HENRY WALKS PAST WITH A RAISED EYEBROW, A SMILE AND WAVING. JERRY STANDS FROZEN AT THE WINDOW.
CUT TO:
SCENE 10. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY 7 [11.00]
HENRY LIES ON HIS SOFA. PIZZA SAUCE SURROUNDS HIS MOUTH. SHAGGY WATCHES HIM. HIS MUZZLE IS STAINED RED TOO.
HENRY:
There’s got to be something I can do. I’ve waved. I’ve had t-shirts printed. I’ve waved. At the window, she waits. Does she wait for me, Shaggy? For whom does she wait? Why is her vigil?
SHAGGY BARKS.
SHAGGY: (V.O.)
I had intended my bark to signify solidarity. I wanted to show empathy. It is a dog’s life to want the unattainable. ‘Plenty more fish in the sea’ – that’s what I wanted my bark to mark. I understood Henry. I’m not sure Henry understood me. All the barking in the world was impotent. It only strengthened his resolve.
HENRY STARES AT SHAGGY’S MUZZLE. SHAGGY BARKS. HENRY’S EYES LIGHT WITH A PLAN.
HENRY:
Great Scott! That’s it! Shaggy! You’re a genius. A plan!
SHAGGY: (V.O.)
At least, I consoled myself, I would be at his side. He wouldn’t be shamed alone. It was the duty of a dog to provide such support.
CUT TO:
SCENE 11 EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD – DAY 6 [11.20]
HENRY RUSHES ALONG THE SUBURBAN STREET WITH SHAGGY PULLING AT THE LEAD BEHIND HIM. (SHAGGY WOULD RATHER EVEN BE AT THE VET’S THAN HERE.) WHEN HE REACHES THE HOUSE, HE LOOKS UP TO FIND JERRY STANDING AT THE WINDOW, IMPASSIVE AS EVER. TODAY, HOWEVER, SHE WEARS A TSHIRT ADORNED WITH THE FACE OF BRYAN FERRY. THIS CAUSES HENRY GREAT JOY.
HENRY:
Ferry!
SHAGGY: (V.O.)
Second only to his love for big noses was his passion for Roxy Music.
HENRY COMMANDS SHAGGY TO SIT AT THE PAVEMENT AND STRIDES INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. THERE, HE TAKES A BOTTLE OF KETCHUP FROM HIS TROUSERS. AFTER SOME DIFFICULTY, HE MANAGES TO SMEAR THE SAUCE OVER HIS FACE. WHEN HE IS HAPPY WITH THE COVERING AMOUNT, HE REPLACES THE BOTTLE, TAKES A FINAL LOOK UP INTO THE WINDOW AND DROPS TO THE ROAD, MAKING AS IF HIT BY A CAR. WE SEE THE FRONT WHEEL OF A MOPED APPROACH HIS HEAD. SHAGGY TROTS OVER. PIZZAMAN SLIDES OFF HIS MOPED.
PIZZAMAN:
Henry! Why do you lie in the road with tomato on your face?
HENRY DOESN’T RESPOND. PIZZAMAN PUSHES HIS FOOT AGAINST HIS HEAD. SHAGGY BEGINS TO THE LICK THE SAUCE FROM HENRY’S FACE.
HENRY:
Go away! Both of you! I command it!
PIZZAMAN:
I can’t. You lie in the path of my moped.
HENRY:
I’ve been hit by a car. Tell him, Shaggy.
SHAGGY: (V.O.)
But, of course, even if I had wanted to lie, I could not.
SHAGGY BARKS.
PIZZAMAN:
I saw you take your place. There was no car. Why do you have pizza sauce on your face?
HENRY:
It’s ketchup. Blood, I mean. It’s blood. Not ketchup.
PIZZAMAN POKES HIS EXPENSIVE LOOKING TRAINERS AT HENRY’S FACE.
PIZZAMAN:
Well … this is a very peculiar set of circumstances. A peculiar set of circumstances indeed.
HENRY:
Is there a big-nosed woman watching from the window of the closest house?
PIZZAMAN STRAINS HIS EYES TO LOOK. WE SEE ONLY AN EMPTY WINDOW.
PIZZAMAN:
There is no woman.
HENRY SITS UP.
HENRY:
No woman?
SHAGGY BARKS. WE HEAR THE DIESEL ENGINE OF A BUS. IT PASSES ACROSS THE IMAGE OF OUR THREE CHARACTERS. JERRY PASSSES TOO. HENRY, SHAGGY AND PIZZAMAN FOLLOW HER PROGRESS AS SHE REACHES THE ADJACENT BUS STOP AND BOARDS THE BUS. THE BUS DEPARTS. THIS ALL HAPPENS IN AN EFFORTLESS BLUR OF RED AND EXHAUST.
SHAGGY:
The girl with the big nose waited for a bus, watching for its arrival from her bedroom window. This was no amorous maiden. This was a workaday commuter.
PIZZAMAN DRIVES OFF ON HIS MOPED, SHOUTING UNINTELLIGBLY. HENRY STANDS, ATTEMPTING TO WIPE THE KETCHUP FROM HIS FACE.
HENRY:
Can dogs ride buses?
A CAR APPROACHES BEHIND HENRY RAPIDLY. INSIDE IS A PAIR OF OLD WOMEN. THEY GESTICULATE WITH INAPPROPRIATE VIOLENCE FOR HENRY TO GET OUT OF THEIR WAY.
HENRY:
Come on, Shaggy. Let’s go home. To consider buses. The buses. What a piece of work is bus. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, waiting for a bus. Some are born buses, others achieve buses and some have buses thrust upon them. She was waiting for a bus, mate.
THEY BEGIN THEIR WALK OF THE PAVEMENTS HOME. THE SOUNDS OF MORE THAN THIS BY ROXY MUSIC PLAY AS THE IMAGE OF OUR TWO HEROES FADE.
OLD LADY: (O.O.V.)
And he had sauce all over his chin.
END OF EPISODE
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